Telling Your Children About Separation: What They Need to Know
Separation and divorce can be an incredibly difficult time for the whole whānau. As a parent, you may be trying to navigate your own emotions while also thinking about what your children need and how to explain what is happening.
There is no perfect way to have this conversation, but there are things you can do to help make the change feel a little more predictable and manageable for your children. Here are some things to think about when preparing to talk to your kids about separation and divorce.
Firstly, a reminder self-care is not selfish
If you are a parent going through separation and divorce you are not alone in this, many families are in the same situation. Taking care of yourself is at the top of the list - you are experiencing a major transition in life! You need and deserve to give yourself the energy to do this.
Separation and divorce can drain your energy, be emotionally disruptive, involve loneliness, uncertainty, and can create significant stress. The early days of separation and divorce are likely to be the most stressful.
Allow yourself time to adjust to the change. Your ability to adapt improves when you put your needs first. It will also help you to help your kids. The ideal time to do this is when your children are not with you. Every time you manage your stress by going for a walk outside or getting an early night, you are putting deposits into your energy account. Look for small wins, which could be planning simple, fast meals or a day trip somewhere nice. The best gift you can give your child at any age is a balanced parent. You can be grumpy with their mum or dad as well as being balanced. Getting enough rest and taking time for yourself to do something you enjoy will help you to be available for your children when they need it most.
Get organised before you tell your kids about what’s going to happen
In New Zealand, when parents agree on where their children live and what the care arrangements are, this is what will happen. The Family Court only becomes involved if parents can’t agree or if there are safety concerns.
Before you talk to your kids about the separation, make a plan about how and when you are going to do it. It is a good idea to also agree on basic ideas about care arrangements, such as where the kids will live, and how handovers happen. Parents who have these discussions in advance can give kids some certainty about this change. Neuroscientists tell us that predictable routines help young brains to develop well. Providing supportive routines and communicating with kids about what’s happening, helps to achieve this.
How, when and what to tell your kids about separation and divorce
Kids take their lead from their parents. If you are as okay as you can be about what you have to tell them, they will feel they can handle it too (even if everyone is naturally upset about what’s going on). It is much easier to communicate with the children when you’ve worked out details in advance, this means a rough idea about where they will stay and when. Kids aged between 4-8 have a “me” focus on the world. They want to know about everyday life and how it affects them. When you have the discussion it is important to choose a time when you are relaxed and together as a group. Make sure no one is hungry, upset or too tired and give them something to eat or drink first. Don’t talk about this when they are on the way to school, or preschool, or when they have just come back home after a long day or an outing. A basic talk could be after lunch on Saturday when there’s no need to rush off anywhere afterwards.
You could say:
"Daddy/Mummy is going to live in a different house, and you might feel upset about this. It’s okay to feel upset. We both really care and still love you very much.”
Don’t leave details for them to guess:
"You will have two homes now. We will both take care of you, and we will always be your family. We’ll help you know what days you will be going to mum or dad’s place.”
What not to tell your kids about separation and divorce and what not to ask them
Answer any questions honestly and give them enough information to understand how their daily life will be. Children are usually very sensitive and can sense when their parents are not getting on. Telling the truth about your adult relationship is important. Sometimes kids will ask you a question that you don’t expect. Let your children know you are the adult and that it’s your job to answer questions and help them feel better. Their job is to be a child and to play.
Sometimes parents may be tempted to ask their children questions about what happens at the other parent’s house. Children can feel pressured when this happens so avoid doing this. Make it a clear rule from the outset that the relationship your children have with each parent is important and it must be protected. Be clear that the children can contact the other parent whenever they want. You want kids to trust their parents and to feel that they can tell you anything without you using it against them. Kids need to hear and feel that they are free to love both parents. It’s okay for your kids to wish mum and dad will get back together.
What to leave out of the discussion
There are details which kids do not need to know. Kids do not need to know all the adult
reasons for separation and divorce. Keep finances and legal details, or infidelity out of
the conversation. Be clear that your discussions at the beginning of the process are part
of an ongoing conversation.
“This is what’s happening and we are going to keep talking about it as you get older. You can ask anything you want and we will do our best to answer you.”
Remember, you don’t have to get this conversation perfect
Talking to your children about separation isn’t easy, and it is completely understandable if you feel unsure about what to say. You know your children best, and you can keep coming back to the conversation as they have questions or as things change.
The most important thing is that your children know they are loved, cared for and supported as your family adjusts to a new way of doing things.
