Supporting Your Child Through Separation and Divorce
As your whānau adjusts to all the changes that come with separation - new routines, homes and relationships, your tamariki may experience a whole range of emotions.
Some children will adapt more easily than others, and their feelings may change over time. There are lots of simple things parents can do to help children feel safe, connected and supported as they navigate this change.
Divorce and ACE’s
Separation and divorce can be tough. It can be hard for parents to hear that divorce is considered an ACE or adverse childhood event. The good news is that kids cope better with adverse events when they have caring adults around them. Many parents wonder if they are getting it “right” and they fear that the separation or divorce could end up damaging their children. How you support your children matters and there is a lot you can do to reduce the stress on them. Parenting through separation and divorce is a long-term process, not a single event. Your family circumstances have changed and your family is still a family.
You can expect your children will feel upset at different times and in different ways. This can be hard to predict. In general, younger children tend to settle once parents are out of sight, whereas older children can feel upset for longer after they leave the other parent. Whatever stage your children are at, they will know that you care, even if you have doubts about the right thing to say or do. Sometimes the best policy is to be open and honest with them and tell them you hope they talk to you when they are ready. Let your kids know that they are loved no matter what has happened between mum and dad.
Set a realistic expectation for yourself. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and you will make some mistakes, including saying or doing things you might regret. Tell your kids you are trying to do the best you can, and that you are figuring out the best way to help them. It takes maturity to own your part when things don’t turn out the way you want, instead of blaming others.
Helping kids with big feelings
Separation and divorce will be different for everyone in the family. Many parents find that it can be hard to work out what to prioritise when they are raising families and have busy lives.
One way to do this can be to take time to think about each child as an individual. Do what you can to spend some time with each of your children for a set time each week. It doesn’t have to be long, 15-20 minutes can make a difference. It’s about building predictability into the schedule and doing something they love. Playing games with kids and spending time outside are two great ways that you can do this. Regular time one on one like this can create a buffer to help them feel strongly connected to you. The aim is to let them lead the play and to allow them to do what feels good for them with you. Some kids will adapt more easily than others.
Make a point to protect children’s sleep, this makes a big difference to them being able to cope with what’s coming up the next day. Sometimes bedtimes are sliding to a later time. You can create a new routine by putting bedtimes back a few minutes each night, to ease into a better pattern.
Young children worry about who will pick them up and where they will sleep. Older children may worry about their pet who they miss, or maybe they forgot to bring a special toy they love with them. Your actions and responses can go a long way to minimising their distress. Give your children some timeframes where possible so they have time to adjust to what's coming up. Reduce the confusion by getting them to create a visual chart.
Ask your kids:
“What’s a way we could make things go more smoothly for you?”
Maybe there are practical ways you can help kids to keep their belongings organised by putting a bag or chair out to act as a landing pad. Things are easier to find and it saves time by making small changes like this. You are also meeting their need for predictability.
It’s okay for kids going through separation and divorce to feel all their emotions. When the adults show how to be flexible and allow them time to process their feelings they get to feel supported. Kids need to do this with us so they know how to manage feelings as an adult. They will get through it with your help and what you say and do makes a big difference.
Feelings get easier to feel when adults help kids recognise them. Make a point to help your kids through this by using this “name it to tame it” formula.
Here's what this might look like:
“You are annoyed it’s not pizza for dinner.”
“You wish that mum was here at the beach as she loves to swim in the sea. You miss her."
“You’d rather not go to bed right now; you want to stay up and watch films all night.”
You’ve got this!
Some children find change harder to adapt to than others and you may need to find professional help for them. While this extra help can equip them with other ways to manage, there are things that only you can do for them.
You will find ways to do some amazingly kind things for your kids when things are tough, because they are your kids. The main thing you need to know is that your kids can get through this with your help.
Children cope best when the adults stay calm, kind, and predictable. You don’t have to have all the answers on day one, your child just needs to know you are there and that you are doing all you can to help them feel safe and secure on the way.
