Big Feelings Need Connection Not a Big Reaction

Are you caught in a cycle of a busy family, busy afternoons, evenings and almost always a meltdown? Big reactions to small problems? These big feelings happen so often, and dealing with them doesn't get any easier. I bet you have tried everything, and nothing is working. You might be feeling helpless and completely overwhelmed.

I get it! Almost all of the families I work with experience this. But first, you have to understand why this is happening, what's happening in their body and nervous system, and what you can do to support their nervous system. 

What’s actually going on in their body

I want you to imagine a balloon.

From the moment your tamariki wakes up, that balloon begins to fill. Every piece of sensory information their body receives, such as the tag in their shirt, the noise of the classroom, and the brightness of the lights. Every instruction they've been given. Every social interaction, every transition, every moment they've had to hold it together. Even the stories they are telling themselves on the inside.

By the time they get home, that balloon is full. And if we don't find a way to let some air out, it will pop.

That pop looks like a meltdown. It looks like tears over the wrong colour cup, a complete shutdown over homework, or an explosion that seems to come from nowhere.

But it didn't come from nowhere. It has been building all day. This is not naughtiness. This is a nervous system that has reached capacity.

Here is something I want every whānau to hear - a dysregulated nervous system cannot learn, reason, or respond to logic.

When your tamariki is in that overwhelmed state (fight, flight, freeze, or flop), dysregulated, past their window of tolerance, they are not choosing to have a meltdown or to ignore you. Their brain is genuinely not able to process what you are saying, take on consequences, or respond to reasoning. 

This means that getting frustrated, raising your voice, or trying to explain why their behaviour was unacceptable in that moment will not land. Not because they won't hear it or understand it. Because their nervous system physically cannot receive it right now.

The most powerful thing you can do in that moment is help them regulate first. That learning you are trying to teach them during the meltdown (and it’s not going in), that can wait for when their nervous system feels safe and ready to learn.

Three ways to let the air out of the balloon (regulate before the meltdown or sensory overload)

1. Movement

Some bodies need to move to feel regulated. But it depends on what movement does for your child! Try these movement activities and watch how it makes your child’s body respond.

• Jumping (trampoline) 
• Spinning (Lycra swings, spinning chairs) 
• Swinging 
• Climbing 

These aren't just fun; they are regulating their nervous system! Let them move. A trampoline, a swing set, or even jumping on the spot can shift their nervous system quickly.

2. Deep pressure

Deep pressure can have a powerful calming effect on the nervous system. But again, you need to see which type of deep pressure your child’s body needs to feel safe and regulated.

• Sausage Rolls: Think of rolling and wrapping your tamariki tightly in a blanket like a sausage roll.
• Massage: Firm squeezes on the shoulders and arms, or a big bear hug. You can squash their body with a pillow or therapy ball.
• Weighted vests: Lycra body socks, or Lycra swings.
• Brushing: therabrush from Sensory Corner is my go to brush. So many kids love this brush!
• Playing with putty, playdough or sand.

3. Other Sensory tools

• Cold water, cold ice or ice blocks
• Crunchy food, chewy snacks, or thick smoothies through a straw
• Messy and sensory play (slime, putty, play dough, gloop - get creative!)
• Squishies and fidgets

Once whānau start to understand this, we shift from reactive to proactive. Instead of waiting for the meltdown, they start regulating and supporting their child before the meltdown arrives. Some days it still arrives. But with the understanding that you can’t reason with a dysregulated nervous system. You co-regulate, support the nervous system and then reflect on the moment once they are calm and ready to learn.

One of my favourite examples is the bedtime routine. For many families, this is a daily battle.  Brushing teeth, bath time, getting dressed, and then winding down. When parents began using deep pressure tools or movement before the routine started, and throughout the routine (wheelbarrow walks to the bathroom, and brushing in bed is always a winner). The whole experience becomes smoother, with less resistance and the late night meltdowns are reduced. 

Another piece to this is that your nervous system matters too. Figure out what regulates your body and what helps you stay curious rather than reactive, or calm rather than frustrated. Your regulated nervous system actually helps co-regulate theirs. You become their safe person, their co-regulator. This is not about being perfect and not showing your emotions. It is about knowing that your calm is one of the most powerful tools you have when they are dysregulated.

Once your tamariki is regulated, that is when you can connect, reflect, and if needed, talk through what happened. Keep it brief, keep it warm, and keep it curious. A script I sometimes give families is: 

"That was a big moment. Your body was crying, yelling and throwing things. 
Were you really angry? 
What do you think your body needed in that moment? 
What could we try next time your body feels that way?” 

You are not letting behaviour go, you are waiting for the moment that their body is ready to learn. Because a calm nervous system can actually listen, and learn with you. 

Big feelings are not naughty, they are communication that our tamariki needs connection, love and support. With the right support and tools, you can support your tamariki to feel confident and open to feeling their emotions, expressing what they need and learning ways to support these big feelings!