Toddler Meltdowns 101: Why They Happen and What Helps

Sometimes it’s over the little blue cup with the dragon on it. Other times, it’s because their sock feels funny… Tantrums and meltdowns can come out of nowhere and leave everyone feeling exhausted. But for our toddlers and young tamariki, big feelings are a normal part of development. And how we respond matters more than we might think.

This article explores what’s really going on during a meltdown, why co-regulation is key, and how we can help little ones feel safe, seen, and supported, even when they’re at their most unsettled.

What’s actually happening during a tantrum or meltdown?

In the early years, our tamariki brains are still learning how to handle big and strong emotions. They don’t yet have the skills to manage big emotions on their own, and they rely on the adults around them to help regulate those feelings. Tantrums and meltdowns are often their way of saying, “This is too big for me to handle by myself.”

Sometimes a tantrum is sparked by a clear trigger, hunger, tiredness, or frustration. Other times, it’s the result of an emotional build-up that’s hard for them to express in words. Either way, the behaviour is a signal that your tamaiti is overwhelmed.

Why connection is the key

When faced with a loud, chaotic tantrum, it’s tempting to want to shut it down quickly. But the goal isn’t control, it’s connection.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry and an expert on brain development, explains that when a child is dysregulated, the thinking part of their brain (the prefrontal cortex) isn’t fully online. That’s why reasoning doesn’t work in the heat of the moment. What does help is a calm, connected adult who can “lend” their regulation.

Siegel calls this Name it to Tame it, the idea that simply naming the emotion - “You’re feeling really disappointed” helps a child begin to understand and move through it. Naming an emotion doesn’t make it worse. In fact, it helps organise the chaos in their brain. It’s naming the emotion that also supports them to grow emotional literacy and allow them to eventually be able to name how they’re feeling and better manage those feelings.

Co-regulation: a lifelong gift

Regulation isn’t something we’re born knowing how to do, it’s something we learn through our relationships. This is where co-regulation comes in! When an adult stays calm, offers comfort, and helps a child name and navigate their feelings, the child’s nervous system starts to learn what calm feels like.

In the Circle of Security framework, a secure parent-child relationship is shown as a circle: on one side, your child goes out into the world to explore, play, and learn, and on the other, they return to you for connection, comfort, and safety.

When tamariki are overwhelmed by big feelings like anger, sadness, or frustration, they need to know they can come back to their Safe Haven, that you’ll be there to help them make sense of their emotions and feel secure again.

Being their Safe Haven doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means being both kind and clear, holding boundaries with empathy. You might say:

“You’re feeling really angry. I’m right here with you. But we aren't goint to hit."

When we respond this way, we’re helping them feel safe and seen, and over time, this builds emotional regulation and a deep sense of trust with our tamariki, setting us up for a strong and lasting connection with our kids.

What actually helps in the moment?

There’s no one perfect script, but here are some simple, age-appropriate strategies that can support emotional regulation for your toddler:

• Stay close and stay calm - Your calm presence is more powerful than you think.
• Use simple language to name the feeling - “You’re feeling sad. That’s really hard.”
• Offer comfort, not correction (at first) - Save the teaching moment for later - when their brain is back online.
• Lower your voice instead of raising it - This can actually help them tune in.
• Use a calming sensory tool - A soft blanket, a favourite toy, or even a drink of water can help reset.
• Make space for recovery - After the storm passes, reconnect. “That was hard. I’m proud of how you’re learning to manage these big feelings.”

And remember, look after yourself, too

Supporting tamariki through big feelings can be draining, especially when your own cup is running low. Be kind to yourself. You don’t have to get it right every time. What matters is the relationship you're building over time. When you repair after a rough moment (“I got frustrated before. I’m sorry. I love you no matter what”), you’re modelling something powerful.

Some other resources we love

• How Do I Feel? Card Set - A beautiful resource with 65 illustrated emotion cards to help children recognise and name what they’re feeling.
• Big Little Feelings (@biglittlefeelings on Instagram) - Practical tips from child therapists, with a tone that’s both supportive and real.