Friendships and Falling-Outs: Supporting Tamariki Through Social Ups and Downs

Friendships are a big part of childhood. They’re where our tamariki learn to share, solve problems, navigate conflict, and experience belonging outside of their whānau. But as many of us know, friendships don’t always run smoothly.

Your child might come home upset because someone didn’t want to play with them. They might have had a big argument with their best friend. Or maybe, after years of closeness, a friendship suddenly falls apart. These moments can feel just as big and painful for a child as any adult relationship challenge, or at times worse, because they don’t have the experience and skills to navigate it. It’s here that our tamariki often look to us to help make sense of it all.

Why Friendship Challenges Actually Matter

While we may wish we could shield our kids from every bit of social pain, navigating ups and downs in friendships is actually an important part of growing up. It’s how tamariki learn:

• How to resolve conflict
• How to express and manage emotions
• How to set boundaries and respect others’ boundaries
• How to rebuild trust after misunderstandings
  

But when things really break down, when a close friendship ends, the emotional impact can be big.

When Friendships Break Down

For young people, losing a close friend can feel devastating. Research shows that friendship breakups for our tamariki can, in some cases, be just as painful as romantic breakups later in life. Some common effects include:

• Loss of a support system: Close friends provide belonging and shared experiences. Losing that connection can leave tamariki feeling lonely and isolated, particularly if they don’t have a large social network.
• Confusion: Particularly for our younger tamariki, understanding why a friendship ended can be tricky. They may blame themselves or worry that something is “wrong” with them.
• Fear of rejection: A friendship breakup can make a child anxious about future relationships, sometimes leading them to withdraw or avoid trying to form new connections.

Acknowledging these feelings and supporting tamariki to process them is key to helping them heal and develop resilience.

How We Can Support Them

Friendship hiccups can feel huge for our tamariki. To them, a small argument might feel like the end of the world. What they need most in these moments is us - calm, present, and ready to walk alongside them.

1. Listen First

When your child tells you something’s gone wrong with a friend, pause and just listen. Avoid rushing in with advice or judgments. Instead, offer understanding:

“That sounds really tough.”

“I can see that made you feel sad/angry.”

“It’s okay to feel hurt. I’m here.”

This shows them that their feelings are safe to share and begins to ease those big emotions.

2. Help Them Name Their Feelings

Friendship struggles can stir up jealousy, sadness, and frustration. Sometimes kids act out because they don’t know how to describe what’s going on inside. You can help here by:

• Naming what you notice: “It sounds like you felt left out when that happened.”
  
• Using emotion flashcards or similar to visually show different feelings and talk about how they might have felt, show some empathy here: “I know I would have felt… Is that maybe how you were feeling”. We love the Kuwi and Friends magnets or the How Do I Feel cards for this kōrero.
• Reading stories about friendship challenges and talking about how characters might feel. A favourite of ours is Patrick & George - Adventure, empathy and friendship.

These all build emotional literacy and help kids find their own words to express their feelings when they’re ready.

3. Guide Without Fixing

It’s natural to want to swoop in and solve the problem, but learning to navigate friendships is a skill that tamariki need to practise. Instead of fixing it for them, you can:

• Ask open-ended questions: “What do you think might help next time?”
• Explore different perspectives: “How do you think your friend felt when that happened?”
• Brainstorm solutions together but let them decide what to try
  

This helps them gain confidence and problem-solving skills for future situations.

4. Teach Kind and Assertive Communication

When friendships wobble, kids often don’t know how to speak up for themselves or repair hurt feelings. They might stay silent to avoid conflict, lash out in anger, or rely on the adults in their life to handle it. Learning to communicate kindly and assertively is a skill that will help them throughout life though, not just on the playground.

Start by helping your tamaiti understand that:

• It’s okay to share their feelings (even the tricky ones).
• They can ask for what they need without being unkind or bossy.
• Good friends listen and try to make things right after mistakes.
  

Try Role-playing different scenarios

Sit down together and act out common friendship challenges:

• A friend won’t share a toy.
• Someone says something unkind.
• A game ends in disagreement.
  

Practise different ways your child could respond. Show them the difference between:

• Aggressive: “You’re mean, I don’t want to play with you!”
• Passive: (Staying quiet, feeling hurt inside, and jut going along with it)
• Assertive and kind: “I feel upset when I’m left out. Can we try again and play together?”
  

Role-playing makes it less scary to try these words when it really happens.

Offer simple sentence starters

Sometimes tamariki just need the right words to unlock confidence. Teach them short, easy phrases like:

“I felt sad when…”

“I’d like to play with you, but I need a little space right now."

“That hurt my feelings. Can we talk about it?”

Praise efforts, not just outcomes

Whenever your child tries to communicate calmly, even if it doesn’t fix the situation, acknowledge it:

“I noticed you told your friend how you felt without yelling. That was really brave. I’m proud of you.”

“It’s hard to speak up when we’re upset, but you did it so kindly.”

This builds confidence to keep trying and shows that expressing feelings respectfully is always a success.

5. Model Healthy Friendships

Tamariki learn how to handle relationships by watching us. Showing kindness, resolving disagreements calmly, and maintaining supportive friendships teaches more than any lecture could. Talk openly about your own experiences:

“I was upset when my friend forgot to call, but we talked it out.”

“Sometimes I say no when I’m tired, and good friends understand.”

6. Support Healing After a Friendship Ends

When a friendship truly ends, focus on helping your child process the loss rather than rushing to “replace” the friend.

• Encourage them to share memories or draw pictures of good times they had
• Reassure them that it’s normal to feel sad or confused
• Remind them that this doesn’t mean they won’t have close friends again
• Spend extra time doing enjoyable, connecting activities to strengthen their sense of belonging at home
  

Some other resources we love

• How Do I Feel? Cards - A beautiful, practical tool to help tamariki name and understand emotions. Perfect for sparking conversations about feelings during tricky friendship moments.
• Kuwi & Friends Emotion Magnets - A playful, hands-on way to help kids point out how they’re feeling, great for fridge chats after school.