Understanding Anxiety in Tamariki: How We Can Help

Understanding Anxiety in Tamariki: How We Can Help

It’s completely normal for tamariki to feel worried sometimes. A little bit of worry helps us stay safe, like looking both ways before we cross the road, or staying close to our grown-up when we’re out and about

But for some children, those worries grow bigger. They start to pop up more often, last longer, and get in the way of everyday life. That’s when we might be seeing signs of anxiety, and it’s something we can support.

Here we’re exploring what anxiety can look like in tamariki, how we can help them feel more secure, and when it might be time to get some extra support.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a normal human emotion. It’s our body’s way of saying “something might not be right”, think of it a bit like an internal alarm system. It’s totally natural for our tamariki to feel anxious before a big event, starting school, or sleeping away from home for the first time.

But for some tamariki, that “alarm” goes off more often or more strongly than it needs to. Their brain is doing its best to protect them, but it’s misreading everyday things as dangerous.

This can make even ordinary situations feel scary or overwhelming, and leave a child feeling stuck, worried, or unsure how to cope.

What Anxiety Might Look Like in Tamariki

Anxiety doesn’t always look like fear or worry. Sometimes it shows up in other ways:

  • Avoiding certain places or activities (like school, swimming, or bedtime).
  • Lots of tummy aches or headaches, especially when it’s time to go somewhere new.
  • Trouble sleeping or staying asleep.
  • Big emotions: crying easily, anger, or sudden outbursts.
  • Reassurance-seeking: asking lots of “what if” questions or needing constant comfort.
  • Perfectionism: getting very upset about mistakes or needing everything to be “just right”.
  • Clinginess or difficulty separating from parents or caregivers.

Sometimes these behaviours are easy to spot. Other times, they can be mistaken for being difficult or defiant, especially when tamariki don’t yet have the words to say, “I’m feeling anxious.”

How We Can Support Anxious Tamariki

The good news is that there’s so much we can do to help. Anxiety is very treatable, and the earlier we respond, the easier it often is to manage.

1. Stay calm and connected

Tamariki look to the adults around them to know how safe they are. Staying steady, calm, and reassuring helps settle their nervous system. You don’t need to have all the answers - just being there matters.

“I can see you’re feeling worried right now. I’m here with you.”

2. Talk about what anxiety is

Even young tamariki benefit from learning that anxiety is a feeling, not something wrong with them. Use simple language and examples:

“Anxiety is like your brain’s smoke alarm. It goes off to keep you safe. But sometimes, it goes off when there’s no real fire.”

We love using pukapuka (books) to support this kōrero. Try prompts like

"How do you think the character is feeling?"

“What could he do to try and calm down”

3. Teach calming tools

Breathing techniques, movement, and grounding strategies can all help regulate anxiety. Some tamariki love having a Calm Space. This doesn’t need to be complicated or filled with all the latest toys or books. 

Some of our favourite resources to include:

  • A favourite book or soft toy.
  • Some squishy or fidget toys.

The key is helping them practise these strategies when they’re calm, so they can remember and use them when they’re anxious.

4. Gently face the fear (not avoid it)

While it’s super tempting to remove the source of anxiety, like letting them skip swimming or avoid talking at school, research has shown this can make the anxiety grow stronger over time.

Instead, help your tamaiti face the scary thing in small, supported steps. Cheer them on, and celebrate the effort, not just the outcome.

“You took a deep breath and gave it a go, that’s exactly what being brave looks like.”

5. Praise trying, not just success

Reinforce their efforts when they try something hard - even if they don’t manage the whole thing. This builds confidence and helps rewire their brain to see challenges as safe.

When to Seek More Help

If anxiety is getting in the way of daily life for our tamariki, like going to school, making friends, trying new things, or sleeping well, it might be time to talk to a health professional.

Your GP or school can help connect you with support, which could include a child psychologist, counsellor, or wellbeing team. 

Signs it might be time to reach out:

  • Anxiety is causing distress most days.
  • It’s impacting sleep, appetite, or relationships.
  • You feel like you’ve tried a lot and nothing is helping.
  • Your child is avoiding more and more things.

Some Other Resources We Love

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