Helping Siblings Get Along: Looking at the Bigger Picture

Helping Siblings Get Along: Looking at the Bigger Picture

It can be hard, and honestly, a little heartbreaking when our tamariki just can’t seem to get along. Whether it’s daily squabbles, toy disputes, full-blown shouting matches, or even worse, hitting, sibling conflict can take a toll on everyone in the whānau.

The good news? There are gentle, practical ways we can support our tamariki to grow their sibling relationship, and maybe even become real teammates in the process.

This article is full of ideas, based on what we know about tamariki development, emotions, and relationships. Just remember, though -  some conflict is totally normal. What matters most is how we guide our tamariki through it.

Start by Reflecting on Your Role

Every whānau is unique, but sometimes sibling tension can be shaped by patterns we don’t even realise we’re reinforcing.

Take a minute and gently ask yourself:

  • Do I describe or treat one child as “the sporty one” or “the clever one”?
  • Do I expect older siblings to give in more often or share everything?
  • Are my expectations, rules, or praise felt as fair by each child?

Even well-meant comments like “Wiremu is the creative one, and Kiwa is the tidy one” can accidentally make kids feel boxed in, or set up the comparisons that can later lead to resentment.

Try instead:

“Wiremu and Kiwa are such different kids, but honestly, I love that about them. They each bring something really special to our wee whānau.”

And remember: fair doesn’t always mean equal, but kids are super tuned in to fairness. If one child always has to compromise or wait, tension will likely build.

Build Empathy - Even in the Happy Moments!

A powerful way to support sibling relationships is by helping tamariki understand each other’s emotions.

You can do this by weaving empathy into everyday moments:

“Wow, look how excited Ngakau is! Can you see it in his face?"

"That would have been really fustrating for you. I wonder how your sister felt when it happend?"

This teaches kids to pause, notice, and think about others’ experiences, even if they don’t always agree with them.

And just as important: all feelings are welcome. Make it normal in your whānau to talk about emotions (big and small) and support your tamariki with healthy ways to express and manage them. We love Let It Flow - Healthy ways to release emotions by Rebekah Lipp and Craig Phillips for exploring ways we can manage emotions.

Encourage Teamwork

The more opportunities siblings have to cooperate rather than compete, the more chances they get to build trust.

  • Have them help make dinner together
  • Set a fun task like: “Let’s clean up while pretending we’re pirates!”
  • Assign joint missions like: “You two are on the team to set the table!”

And if competitive games tend to cause blowups, consider pressing pause on those for now. Or switch it up: Tamariki vs māmā and pāpā is a great way to keep things light and cooperative.

Support Them to Solve Conflict - Don’t Solve It For Them

Instead of stepping in as the judge, try stepping in as a coach. That means guiding tamariki to talk it out, name their feelings, and come up with solutions together.

You could say:

“Hmm, sounds like we’ve got a big problem. How do you think we could work this out?”

“Let’s all take a breath and think about what each person needs right now.”

“What would be a fair way forward? How about we try a compromise?”

Conflict is normal; it’s how we learn the skills of listening, compromising, and caring about others’ perspectives. It’s when you support tamariki through this process, you’re not just solving today’s fight or squabble, you’re building your tamariki relationship skills for the future.

Other Ideas That Can Help

  • Celebrate their differences. Point out what’s special about each child, without comparisons.
  • Fill their cups separately. Spend one-on-one time with each child regularly.
  • Make space for connection. Family games, movie nights, or simple rituals (like a weekly pancake breakfast) can create shared joy and memories.
  • Model the behaviour you want to see. Show kindness, compromise, and how to talk through frustrations respectfully with others - our tamariki are always watching.

Some Other Resources We Love

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