Staying Close as They Grow: Keeping Connection Strong with Your Teen

Staying Close as They Grow: Keeping Connection Strong with Your Teen

The relationship we build with our tamariki when they’re little lays the foundation, but it’s what we do through the teen years that really cements it.

Our rangatahi start spending more time with friends, testing limits, and seeking more independence (as they should!), but it’s easy to feel like the closeness is slipping. These years aren’t just about letting go, though - they’re about staying beside them, in a different way. Because while teens might not show it the same way, they still need us - remember this.

In fact, research shows that a secure connection with a parent or caregiver is one of the biggest protective factors for mental health and wellbeing during the teenage years. A connected relationship helps teens feel safe, seen, and supported, even when life gets tricky.

It’s the Little Things That Matter

Big bonding moments are great, a road trip, a special birthday, an overseas holiday, but connection is mostly built in the everyday. It’s those small, repeated actions that show  “I see you, I hear you, I’m here.”

Here are some simple and low-cost ways to stay connected:

  • Find something you can do together regularly: This could be a walk after dinner once a week, a hot chocolate or chai latte before bed, or a weekly show you watch together. It doesn’t have to be long, just regular and reliable.
  • Join their world (a little): Ask about the games they’re playing, the music they love, or what’s on their TikTok feed at the moment. Not with judgment or forced enthusiasm, but with real curiosity.
  • Be their “yes” person sometimes: When teens hear a lot of no’s (no phone, no staying out, no you can’t do that), it helps to also have times when they hear, “Sure,” or “That sounds cool, tell me more.”
  • Use moments in the car: There’s something about side-by-side discussions that helps teens open up. No intense eye contact, just quiet space. The ride home from school is gold.
  • Write them a note: A short text, sticky note, or even a quick “just wanted to say I’m proud of you” message. Teens might roll their eyes, but they will read it. (We love these ones from Wildling Books.)

Shifting How We Connect

When our kids are little, connection is often loud and obvious, sticky hands reaching for us, big hugs at school pick-up, endless questions about the world. It’s easy to feel needed. But as they grow into teenagers, the way connection looks can change.

Instead of climbing onto your lap, they might hang out in their room. Instead of asking you everything, they might turn first to their friends or the internet. That can feel like distance, but it’s really development. Their job is to stretch into independence - and ours is to stay steady and close enough that they know we’re there when they reach back.

Connection in the teen years can be quieter, almost hidden in the everyday. It might look like them wandering into the kitchen when you’re making toast, sitting beside you while you watch TV, or asking a throwaway question in the car that actually means a lot. These moments don’t come with neon signs - but they’re truly gold.

When we shift our expectations and start noticing these quieter bids for connection, we realise our teens are still reaching for us, just in different ways. And meeting them there, with warmth, humour, and a steady presence is what keeps the relationship strong.

Why It Matters

When we stay connected, our teens are more likely to:

  • Come to us when it counts - even if they’ve messed up, even if it’s awkward.
  • Feel grounded and secure - knowing they’re loved no matter what.
  • Have healthier relationships - because they’ve experienced one with you.
  • Bounce back from stress - because they’ve got a steady anchor to return to.


And for us? It matters too. Connection makes it easier to:

  • Hold boundaries with compassion, not just control.
  • Trust their choices (and let go, bit by bit).
  • Ride the inevitable bumps of adolescence without feeling shut out.

Some Other Resources We Love

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