When Worries Show Up at Bedtime
We’ve all had those nights. You’ve finally tucked them in, you’re ready for a quiet moment to yourself… and suddenly the floodgates open.
“Dad, what if nobody plays with me?”
“Mum, I’m scared about the test tomorrow.”
Bedtime seems to be the moment when all the worries they’ve been carrying through the day bubble up to the surface.
It makes sense, really. During the day there’s school, friends, sports, and screens to keep their minds busy. But at night, when things get quiet and still, those unspoken thoughts finally have room to come out. For tamariki, sharing those worries at bedtime can actually be a sign they feel safe with you.
Why worries show up at night
There’s a reason worries often arrive right on bedtime’s doorstep.
- The quiet gives them space - During the day, tamariki are busy. Friends, games, learning, and family life keep their minds occupied. At night, when the noise dies down and the room goes still, thoughts have more room to grow. A worry that felt small at lunchtime can loom much larger in the silence.
- Tired brains feel things more strongly - When kids are overtired, their “thinking brain” (the prefrontal cortex) is less able to calm their “feeling brain” (the amygdala). This means worries can feel bigger, scarier, and harder to manage when it’s late and energy is running low.
- Bedtime means separation - Even tamariki who sail through school drop-offs may feel unsettled saying goodnight. For tamariki who already find goodbyes difficult, bedtime can stir up the same “what if you’re not here?” feelings.
- Imagination runs wild in the dark - The very creativity that makes tamariki such brilliant storytellers can also fuel vivid worries. Shadows, creaks in the house, or the thought of tomorrow’s spelling test can quickly spiral into “what if” scenarios.
What can help
There isn’t one magic fix, but there are many gentle things that can make a difference. Think of them as small threads you weave in.
- Keep bedtime calm and predictable - A consistent rhythm, e.g, bath, story, cuddle, lights out. This signals safety to your tamaiti body and brain.
- Make space for worries earlier in the evening - Create a gentle “worry time” before the bedtime routine starts. We know some whānau use a “worry box” where tamariki can write or draw their worries and “put them to bed.” Others allow 5-10 minutes of talking about the day’s hardest parts before moving into calming bedtime steps.
- Name it to tame it - Daniel Siegel’s theory is true at bedtime too, naming a feeling (“You’re worried about tomorrow’s swimming lesson”) helps shrink it down to size, while research shows dismissing worries (“Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be scared of”) can actually make them feel heavier.
New to the name it to tame it theory? Check out this video from Daniel Siegel.
- Practice tiny calming tools - Teach tamariki simple strategies they can use when you’re not right beside them. Deep belly breathing or tensing and relaxing muscles (“squeeze your toes, then let go”).
- Plant a positive thought - End the day with something grounding and kind. “I loved how you helped set the table tonight.” “Tomorrow we get to bike to school.” These little reminders leave kids with a safe, hopeful thought to hold onto as they drift off.
- Comfort objects and connection - A soft toy, a special blanket, or even a parent’s note tucked under the pillow can carry connection through the night. Transitional objects remind kids they’re still held in love, even while asleep.
- Stay steady and consistent - If worries become stalling tactics, try to balance warmth with routine. For example: “One more cuddle, then lights out.” Consistency builds trust, your child learns you mean what you say, and that you’ll always come back in the morning.
A gentle reminder
Bedtime worries are not a sign of failure - they’re a sign your child trusts you with their tenderest feelings. In these moments, what matters most isn’t perfect words or fancy stratagies, but your presence. By listening, naming, and gently guiding, you’re teaching them that big feelings can be carried safely and soothed.