Talking to Tamariki After a Suicide in the Whānau

One of the first questions many parents and caregivers ask after a suicide is:

“How am I going to tell my child?”

If this is something you’re currently facing, please know that there is information and support available to help you navigate this. Parents often tell me they feel anxious about what words to use, how much detail to give, and whether their tamariki are “too young” to understand.

As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your child from the pain of what has happened. Yet at the same time, your child has likely already sensed something serious is wrong. Children are often incredibly aware of what is happening around them, even when adults think they’re shielding them from it.

Please hear that there is no perfect script for these conversations. That said, there are things we know help children feel safer, more supported, and better able to make sense of what has happened. In this article, I answer some of the most common questions I’m asked by parents and offer practical guidance and language suggestions that I hope will be of some help to you.

Should you tell your child the truth?

In a word, yes. Whatever your child’s age, it is important they are told the truth in an age-appropriate way.

Parents often worry that knowing their loved one died by suicide will make things harder for their child. Because of this, there can be a temptation to soften, avoid or hide parts of what has happened. This usually comes from a place of love and protection. Yet in the long term, not telling children the truth often creates more confusion and pain.

The reality is that children generally do find out eventually, whether from other children, extended whānau, social media, or later in life as adults. When this happens, children can feel hurt that important information was hidden from them, and it can impact trust.

Children also use information to make sense of what has happened. When there are gaps in their understanding, they often fill those gaps themselves. And sometimes, what they imagine can feel even worse than the reality.

When should you tell them?

Generally, the sooner children are told, the better. Children are highly sensitive to what is happening around them. They notice adults crying, whispered conversations, changes in routine, tension in the home, and the absence of the person who has died. You also want to avoid your child hearing about the suicide from somebody else first.

That said, it’s okay to give yourself a little time to think about how you want to approach the conversation and what language feels right for your tamariki and your whānau.

How do you explain suicide to a child?

What you say will depend on your child’s age and stage. You know your child best. Trust your instincts and use language your child will understand. Start with small, simple pieces of information.

Begin by clearly explaining that the person has died:

“I have some really sad news. Dad died this morning.”

Pause and give your child time to take this in.

For younger children, it can help to explain death in concrete ways:

“When someone dies, their body stops working. Their heart stops beating and they can’t breathe, move or wake up anymore.”

It’s important to avoid euphemisms such as “passed away”, “gone to sleep” or “gone away”. While these phrases can feel gentler for adults to say, children often interpret language very literally and this can cause more confusion. 

Once you have explained that the person has died, you then need to explain how they died, in an age-appropriate way. Using the word “suicide” matters, partly because chances are your child will hear others using this word, but it’s also important to explain what it means.

For younger children, this may sound like:

“Suicide is when someone makes their own body stop working.”

Or:

“Dad’s brain got very sick and confused. He couldn’t think clearly and he died on purpose.”

For older children or teenagers, you might say:

“Sometimes people become overwhelmed by emotional and mental pain and lose hope that things can get better. Suicide is when someone ends their own life because, in that moment, living feels too hard.”

Alongside this, it’s critical your child hears that help is available, and that most people experiencing mental health struggles do get support and things improve for them. This message is key, as we want children to understand that suicide is not the answer, no matter how difficult and hopeless things can feel in the moment.

What does your child need to hear most?

Once you have told your child about the suicide, ensure you reassure them with these key messages. Children affected by suicide naturally worry about certain things, even when they don’t voice them out loud.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Children can easily assume they somehow caused the suicide because of something they did, said, thought, or failed to do. Even if your child never says this out loud, reassure them repeatedly that the suicide was not their fault in any way.

“You are safe.”

After somebody important dies, children can become frightened that other people they love may die too, or that they themselves might die. Reassure your child that there are adults around them who love them and will care for them.

“It’s okay to ask questions.”

Ensure your child knows they can come back to you with questions at any time, including weeks, months or years down the track. Children revisit grief as they grow and develop, so new questions often emerge over time.

It’s also important for you as a parent to know that you do not need to have all the answers immediately. I mention this as I know this is something many parents worry about; that one day their child will ask them questions they feel ill-prepared to answer. If your child asks something unexpected, it’s completely okay to buy yourself some thinking time. 

“That’s a really important question. I want to think carefully about how I answer it. Can we talk about it tonight?”

“It’s okay to talk about the person who died.”

Some children find comfort in talking about the person who has died. Others may not want to initially. Both are okay. Follow your child’s lead and let them know they can talk about the person whenever they want to.

How much detail should you give?

Start with the basics:

• the person has died
• it was suicide
• simple age-appropriate information about what that means
  

Younger children are often satisfied with very simple information initially. Older children and teenagers are more likely to ask additional questions. If your child asks questions, answer honestly while continuing to use age-appropriate language.

You do not need to give graphic details about the suicide or the method used. Give only enough information to answer what your child is asking.

How can you support your child’s sense of safety?

One of the most protective things you can do is help your child identify who is in their “support crew” or “support waka”. Who are the trusted adults your child feels safe with and could talk to if they needed support? This might include whānau members, teachers, sports coaches, friends’ parents, older siblings or community supports.

While naturally you may want your child to always come to you, sometimes children also need support from trusted adults who are not grieving themselves. Children tend to do best when there are multiple layers of support around them.

Look after yourself too

Supporting your grieving child after a suicide can be incredibly hard, especially when you are grieving too. Please hear that your child does not need you to get this perfect. What your child needs most is to feel safe, loved, and supported. And just as you are likely worrying about your child, your child will also be worried about you. It can be reassuring for children to see that the adults caring for them are supported too.

Closing thoughts

Please remember, supporting your child after suicide is not about saying everything perfectly or having all the right words. What matters most is that your child feels safe, loved, supported (by yourself and others), and able to ask questions and talk openly about what has happened, when and if they want to. And, that you are well supported also!

If you still have specific questions or want guidance around your child’s unique needs or your situation, know that I am always here and happy to connect. I don’t charge for a quick chat. You’ll find my contact details in my bio below.