How to Get Your Child Back Into Their Bed

As a sleep specialist, I regularly work with school children who are still sleeping with Mum or Dad. And at these older ages, this co-sleeping arrangement doesn’t work for everyone. So, the question then becomes how to get your child back into their bed, and have them sleep through the night.

When a child loses the confidence to sleep independently (or never learnt that skill) you often end up with parents lying with their child to fall asleep at bedtime, only to then have them wake up and jump into the parents’ bed later in the night.

A lot of school-aged children aren't small, so families often end up playing musical beds, with one parent sleeping in the child's bed instead.

Why it’s an issue

The problem isn’t that your child sleeps in your bed - it’s when nobody is sleeping well because of it.

Sleep gets disrupted for everyone, and broken sleep isn’t as refreshing. Just because your child appears to sleep well in Mum and Dad's bed (which they may or may not), it doesn't automatically mean Mum and Dad are sleeping well too. Anyone who has spent the night sharing a bed with a restless school aged child who starfishes across the mattress, kicks in their sleep, or somehow manages to take up 90% of the bed knows exactly what I mean.

Then there is the emotional side of things. Children who struggle to sleep independently often genuinely believe they cannot do it. So when parents try to force the issue, there can be tears, bedtime battles, anxiety, or full blown meltdowns. Your child isn't trying to be difficult. They're struggling with something that feels hard and overwhelming to them.

As children get older, these sleep challenges can start affecting other parts of life too. School camps, sleepovers, sports trips, and staying with friends become much harder when a child does not feel confident sleeping away from Mum or Dad. I've worked with children who desperately wanted to attend these events but were too anxious about the sleeping side of things. Over time, that can leave them feeling different from their peers or missing out on important experiences.

For parents, there is often very little downtime. Grandparents may not feel able to have sleepovers, family holidays can become stressful, and evenings disappear when a child needs someone lying beside them to fall asleep every night. Sometimes one parent ends up permanently relocated to a child's bed while the other stays in the marital bed. I call it musical beds, and trust me, it gets old pretty quickly.

Why do kids end up in their parents’ bed?

Here are just some of the reasons I’ve come across over the past 10 years of working with families (in no particular order).

• They’ve always slept with Mum and/or Dad. Sleep is one of the strongest habit-forming behaviours we have, and children get used to what they know. If that’s all they’ve known, they can honestly believe they can’t sleep without a parent nearby.
  
  
• Sickness and/or hospital stays can mean a parent has always been around. Yes, some of these reasons are because of the journey you’ve had to date. Sometimes you just don’t get a say in the matter.
  
  
• Maybe your child used to sleep well in their own bed, but during toddlerhood they learnt to come to you, and you let them in, but then they got used to sleeping that way. Yes, this started as a preference, but somewhere along the way, they may have lost confidence in how to do it on their own.
  
  
• Maybe imagination kicked in (typically around 2.5-3 years) and your child started getting scared. So, they started jumping into your bed and now it’s a habit.
  
  
• Or maybe a scary event happened (like earthquakes or a bad storm). Again, these can be things outside of your control, and valid reasons for children to lose confidence in sleeping on their own. Children will often seek out parents to make them feel better. We’re not stopping that, but we also want them to feel confident enough to sleep in their own beds as a matter of course.
  
  
• Stressors during the day can also impact sleep at night, especially when quiet time in bed lets the mind lose. My son was having panic attacks about urban legends he’d heard at school. Being neurodivergent also meant that those things would just loop around in his mind at night and he’d struggle to turn them off.
  
  
• Often the anxiety of the school day hits at bedtime. This is often seen in kids who are being bullied, or maybe they are neurodivergent and struggling or masking at a school they don’t quite fit into. When the distraction of the day stops, their brain won’t turn off, and strong emotions (any strong emotion) can throw sleep out the window.
  
  
• Overtiredness is also a factor as it makes it hard for a child to fall asleep. Then they can start seeking help. Overtiredness is associated with higher cortisol which means it’s harder to fall asleep and harder to stay asleep. And when something is hard, a child will often seek out help from a parent.

Do any of these examples sound familiar?

It’s about choice

Now don’t get me wrong, if co-sleeping works for your family, and everyone is getting the rest they need to feel fully refreshed in the morning. Or your child can sleep independently in their own bed when needed. There is no issue. 

The issue arises when co-sleeping or being unable to sleep in their own bed is causing problems, someone is not sleeping well, and there is no choice. 

If your child needs mum or dad nearby or they can’t sleep, then it becomes an all or nothing situation. 

This isn’t about those nice moments where a parent lies next to their child at bedtime, chats about the day, and just chills. This is something different. It is something your child honestly believes they need. And if it doesn’t happen their body goes into fight or flight and really struggles. Which is why you may get tears, tantrums or meltdowns at bedtime or in the middle of the night. 

And, I know, when you have an older child who does not sleep well, it often means no one in the family is getting the rest they need. And sleep deprivation hits hard (seriously, it almost broke up my marriage)!

Why sleep deprivation is a big deal for adults

Sleep deprivation affects far more than energy levels. It can reduce patience, emotional regulation, concentration, and stress tolerance, leaving parents feeling overwhelmed, forgetful, and unable to respond to their children in the way they want to. It's also linked with increased symptoms of anxiety and depression.

And for kids…

When children don't get enough quality sleep, they may become emotional, impulsive, hyperactive, or struggle to focus. Unlike tired adults, tired children often speed up rather than slow down, and chronic sleep deprivation can even mimic symptoms commonly associated with ADHD. Research has consistently linked inadequate sleep with difficulties in attention, learning, emotional regulation, behaviour, and academic performance.

Let’s put it into context

Sleep is natural and we can all do it. But a (reasonably large) percentage of older children need help and encouragement to learn (or relearn) the skills.

This is when all that info on the internet that says “don’t worry about it, they’ll grow out of it” turns into lies. Because not all kids will automatically “grow out of it” all by themselves. They can get stuck in a pattern of needing help to sleep, and that turns into a habit that doesn’t break by itself.

So how do we go about supporting a child to learn independent sleep?

The first thing I want you to know is that bedtime sets the scene for the night. So, whatever happens at bedtime, your child will often ask you to recreate again in the middle of the night, when they have a naturally occurring wake. 

We all wake briefly overnight, but when we're confident sleeping independently, we usually roll over and go back to sleep without remembering it.

However, a child who believes they need a parent nearby to sleep needs to seek them out again to recreate bedtime. And if you are lying with them at bedtime, that often turns into co-sleeping in Mum and Dad’s bed later on, as it’s much easier in the middle of the night.

This may mean weaning out of your child’s room as they build confidence. 

Start with safety

It helps to start from a place of safety. That means getting the nervous system under control. If a child is already in a heightened state, demanding that they “just go to sleep” only makes it worse, because they start thinking “how?” or “I can’t”. They may not have the ability yet. And when they get stressed or anxious because they’re not sure exactly how to go to sleep, sleep is even harder to find.

This is where co-regulation can help. A calm parent can lend their calm to the child. Yes, that often means starting with a parent nearby (still) to offer comfort. The parent becomes the guide.

Help them manage their big emotions

It’s not about stopping your child feeling anxious (we’re all going to feel anxious at some point). It’s about helping them manage those big emotions and offering tools and support along the way. Labeling the emotion can often take any fear and mystique away from it. And it helps your child feel heard.

Then try a reset. Deep Belly Breathing together is one way to help calm the body (at bedtime and during the day).

The idea is that as a child becomes more confident in managing big emotions, the parent can start weaning away at bedtime, and throughout the night. But that means practicing nervous system regulations tools (day and night). There are plenty of them out there.

Set clear expectations

Then put some clear expectations in place. Your child doesn’t need to “go to sleep” (that just adds to the pressure), but they do need to make it easy for their body to go to sleep. I often give families clear rules at bedtime. Something simple like lying down calmly and being quiet. Why? Because if they can do this (when relaxed), then the body can take over, and sleep can come more easily.

In contrast, if your child is always sitting up or getting up out of bed, or talking, then they are delaying sleep. Humans are the only mammals that deliberately delay sleep, and we are pretty good at it too (not necessarily a good thing). 

Get the timing right

You also need to work with your child’s body. Timing is key. If they're lying calmly when genuinely tired, the body can take over.

However, if a child is under tired, then it will be hard to go to sleep as they’re just not fatigued enough. Conversely, if they are overtired, it’s even harder again, and your child is much more likely to get overwhelmed and have a meltdown. And find sleep hard without support.

Final thoughts

If your child is struggling to sleep in their own bed, please know that you're not alone. I see families facing this challenge every week. Many of them have spent months, or even years, feeling stuck and wondering if things will ever change.

The good news is that independent sleep is a skill. Just like learning to ride a bike, swim, or tie shoelaces, some children pick it up easily, while others need more guidance, and support. That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, and it certainly doesn't mean your child is incapable of learning.

The goal is not to force independent sleep. It is to gently build confidence, teach emotional regulation skills, create clear expectations, and provide opportunities for success. With the right support, most children can learn to feel safe, secure, and capable in their own bed within a few weeks.

Remember, this is not about removing comfort or connection. It's about helping your child discover that they can sleep well whether Mum or Dad is right beside them or not.

And when that confidence grows, bedtime becomes calmer. Nights become more restful. Parents get their evenings back. Children feel proud of themselves. The whole family benefits from better sleep.

If you're feeling stuck and not sure where to start, professional support can make the process much easier. Sometimes a few small changes can create the momentum needed to help your child finally sleep independently and confidently again. If you’d like some one-on-one help book a FREE initial call with Kim and the team at Cherished Sleep to learn about her sleep packages for older children.