Finding the Courage to Look in the Mirror – a different approach to helping our young people thrive

Maybe your child doesn’t need a prescription or a therapist to “fix” them. Maybe they need a parent who isn’t afraid to face themselves.

“When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.” — Alexander Den Heijer

In the “developed” world of today, we don’t have to look far to come across a young person who is struggling – physically, mentally and/or emotionally. These challenges are not always obvious from the outside, but when we pay attention and take the time to connect on a deeper level, we find that a worryingly high number of tamariki and rangatahi across the motu are carrying a heavy load. Somewhere along the way, as a society, we seem to have lost touch with what is most important – and drifted WAY off course. 

Not all doom and gloom

As a Children’s Yoga and Wellbeing Teacher for the past three years, specialising in mental and emotional health, I see firsthand the nature of the challenges our young people are dealing with – chronic anxiety, an inability to focus, low self-worth and social withdrawal to name a few and have come up with my own theory around what is contributing to this crisis, and how we can start to reverse the trend. The good news is that, at the whānau and community level, meaningful positive change is not only possible – it is well within reach, regardless of what we’ve been conditioned to believe. The solution lies within each of us. 

A change of lens

Instead of feeling discouraged when our tamariki show signs of dysregulation and dysfunction, and immediately seeking outside experts to “fix” the “problem”, I invite parents to first zoom out for a moment and consider the wider conditions in which our children exist. What if we could shift our perspective and think of these “unwelcome” symptoms and behaviours as helpful messengers? What if they represented a valuable opportunity to stop and take stock of our home life and daily routines – and as confronting it sounds, take a good look in the mirror?

Monkey see, monkey do!

Through my mahi with children aged 3-12 years in the Eastern Bay of Plenty, I’ve learned that children are a product of their environment – their home life, the activities they engage in over the course of a day, and the people they spend the most time with. 

When I meet a child who has been assigned a label such as “ADHD”, “ODD”, or “anxious”, the first questions I ask myself are...

• What does this child’s typical day look like?
• What are they eating and drinking?
• How much sleep are they getting?
• How much time are they spending outside in nature versus attached to screens and devices?
• Does this child have regular downtime for rest and unstructured play, or is their schedule packed to the brim with activities and social engagements?
• What kind of energy are the child’s whanau bringing into their home and their parenting?
• How stressed are the parents?
• Are they able to spend a little time each day being completely present with this child, engaging with them in healthy ways?
• Who is holding space for this child to show up in their full range of emotions (while holding firm and compassionate boundaries)?
• Are the child’s caregivers taking care of their own mental health, role modelling habits that are supportive of the family’s wellbeing? 

Having grace for ourselves

As a parent myself, I know how uncomfortable it feels to confront the thought that we are somehow responsible – at least partly – for the struggles our children may experience in life. However, if we can hold ourselves with compassion, in the knowledge that we’ve always done our best, and that we - too - are a product of our upbringing and cumulative life experiences… It’s a whole lot easier to sit with. Also, these are not easy times we are navigating as a global community. External conditions are changing rapidly. We are not all in the same boat. 

It may also be comforting to reflect on a concept that is upheld in many ancient cultures and indigenous traditions, that our children actively choose their parents and family situation before birth, for the specific purpose of supporting their soul’s evolution. This notion aligns with my own beliefs and world view, and is something I personally like to reflect on during more challenging moments – but ultimately it is up to each individual to determine what is true and meaningful for them.  

Several years back, as a mum of a young child, juggling co-parenting with further study and launching a new initiative to help children and their families, I found myself in a challenging place where anxiety had begun to take hold (again). At the time, I hadn’t made the link between my fragile emotional state and my daughter’s uncharacteristic, anxious tendencies. I began to worry about what could possibly have caused this change in behaviour. It wasn’t until another family member remarked that it was, in fact, me who had the “problem”, not my daughter, that I could see the truth of the situation. As a recovering perfectionist and somebody who has put (too much) pressure on myself to provide my daughter with the best possible life, it was hard to hear these words. But it made an impression, and taught me that our tamariki are a wonderful mirror - directly reflecting back what we can’t always see.

Empowering whānau to thrive

This korero is not about judging or shaming whānau for being less than a “perfect” parent or caregiver. There is no such thing. Rather, my intention is to help families recognise how much power they do have to nurture and safeguard their children’s long-term wellbeing through simple interventions that start in the home and don’t require a huge, ongoing financial outlay.  And while I acknowledge that simple doesn’t always mean easy, we can use these lifestyle interventions as an opportunity to practice effort and discipline over time (and role model compassion for ourselves when we stray off course!). 

Of course, there are times when outside, specialist support is necessary - absolutely! But before rushing off in search of healers, health experts, or wonder drugs to “fix” every “problem”, let’s challenge the accepted narrative for a moment. Let’s pause to consider what could be contributing to the emotions and behaviours we are observing. Is it possible that our child’s “antisocial” behaviour or uncontrollable outbursts are the catalyst we didn’t know we needed, to restore more balance, harmony and wellbeing to the family unit as a whole? 

So many families today lead such busy lives, with pressures that didn’t exist a century ago.

Many of the parents I speak with are over-stretched and clearly struggling to keep up with the demands of everyday life – and their own self-care practices. These mums and dads don’t have the time or energy to consult with every wellbeing practitioner under the sun, investigate all of the modalities, or pore through health sites and manuals – often with conflicting advice, searching for answers. As a society, we’re in an information overload. 

So, my recommendation is this: put the jug on, take a breath, tune into your inner knowing and consider one or two simple changes you could make at home first, to restore some calm or balance. In a culture of instant gratification, a lifestyle tweak such as limiting processed food, removing an activity from the schedule to allow for more downtime, switching off all electronic devices an hour before bedtime, or introducing a regular whanau bush walk in the weekends might not seem particularly sexy, or revolutionary, or deliver the “quick fix” we’re after…  but I can promise you, this is the stuff that will make a real and lasting difference over time – and benefit EVERYBODY in the house. 

Uncomfortable truth: while it has become more convenient and “fashionable” to outsource our health and manage symptoms, I think, deep down, we all know that meaningful change and true healing are entirely possible - but that it must start from within. From this space, it then becomes easier to determine what outside help might be required or most beneficial in further supporting and empowering our tamariki. 

My other little tip for parents and caregivers is this – whenever possible, prioritise doing more of what brings you joy. What are the things that feel light and expansive for you? Whether it’s dancing, outdoor adventures, art, creating something with your hands, curling up with a good book or geeking out over a new type of fungi, this is the kind of energy that will generate positive shifts in your home and ripple out into your life and the lives of your family. As a wise person once said, “Our kids don’t need a perfect parent, they need a happy one”. 

Take care of your mental and emotional wellbeing and watch your child bloom.