Choices, Commands, and Motivation: Helping Toddlers Feel Heard

Toddlers live in a world that often feels full of rules, limits, and being told “no.” They’re curious, adventurous, and driven to do things “all by myself.” At the same time, they rely on us to set safe, clear boundaries. This stage in parenting can feel like a constant game of tug-of-war, one moment your tamaiti wants your help, the next they’re fiercely determined to do it alone.

Here’s the good news: there are simple ways we can guide our toddlers that not only make day-to-day life a little smoother but also nurture their growing independence and confidence.

Why choices matter

Research tells us that toddlers thrive when they have a sense of autonomy - the feeling that they have some control over their world. When we give toddlers the opportunity to make small, structured choices, we help them:

• Build confidence and independence
• Learn problem-solving and decision-making skills
• Reduce power struggles (because they feel heard and respected)
• Strengthen the connection between parent and child
  

This doesn’t mean toddlers get free rein to call the shots (we’re not trying to make parenting harder!) It means that within the safe boundaries we set, we offer choices that are both acceptable to us and appropriate for their age.

An everyday example: Choices in the bath

Ella’s dad is helping her with bathtime. Ella wants to turn the taps back on and fill the bath further. Instead of saying, “No, stop that,” he redirects her with a choice:

“We don’t need the water on right now, Ella. Do you want to use your facecloth on yourself, or shall I do it today?”

Ella chooses to wash herself. Later, when it’s time for shampoo, Dad asks:

“Would you like to put the shampoo in your hair, or do you want me to help?”

She decides to do it herself, and her dad praises her efforts:

“Good job! You’re getting so good at washing your hair!”

By offering two choices (both acceptable to him), Ella’s dad gave her a sense of control. The result? Ella happily cooperated — and got to practice independence in the process.

Structuring choices wisely

Not all choices are created equal. The key is to keep them simple, realistic, and positive.

Try this:

• “Do you want to wear the green shirt or the blue shirt today?”
• “Do you want Mac and Cheese or nachos for dinner
• “Should we read Calm The Farm or Kiwis and Koalas before bed?”
  

Avoid choices like this:

• “What do you want to wear today?” and “What book shall we read before bed” - Too many options equal overwhelm, making the decision harder and taking longer.
• “What do you want for dinner?” - Don’t give choices where you might not be happy with the outcome, so unless you’re okay with “ice cream” being for dinner, this isn’t a choice we want to offer, at least not with toddlers. 
  

Remember, the goal isn’t endless freedom. It’s about creating structured choices that build autonomy while keeping things manageable for both you and your toddler.

When choices aren’t possible, try first/then

Sometimes, there’s simply no room for negotiation. That’s when a “first/then” or “when/then” approach can be perfect.

• “First put on your shoes, then we can go outside.”
• “When you finish tidying up the blocks, then we’ll have a snack.”
• “First wash your hands, then we can bake cookies.”
  

This strategy works because it ties a less-preferred activity to something motivating or enjoyable. Toddlers learn that cooperation leads to positive outcomes, and it helps them focus on what’s coming next rather than resisting what’s happening now.

And sometimes, it just needs to be a command

There are moments when neither choices nor “first/then” will do, especially when safety is involved. In those cases, toddlers need us to be clear, calm, and direct.

A few things that help:

• Keep it short and simple - avoid long explanations in the moment.
• Use eye contact and a polite tone.
• Focus on what you want them to do, not just what to stop.
  

For example:

Three-year-old Holly has climbed up on the couch and is watching the TV. Her Mum sees her, recognises that this is unsafe behaviour, and gives a clear and concise command:

“Holly, please sit down. We don’t stand on the couch.” (points to where she should sit)

When she complies:

“Thank you for listening.”

If Holly asks why, Mum gives a simple explanation in a friendly manner:

“Because it’s dangerous to stand on the furniture and if you fall you might get hurt. ”

Notice how the command here is polite, specific, and positive. It tells Holly (nicely) exactly what behaviour is expected, instead of only focusing on what not to do.

What to avoid

It’s easy (especially when tired or stressed) to slip into habits that make cooperation harder. A few things to watch out for:

• Criticism or anger: When toddlers sense frustration or disappointment, they may shut down or push back harder. Staying calm makes it more likely they’ll listen.
• Too many words: A long-winded explanation often confuses more than it helps. Keep instructions clear, concise and age-appropriate.
• Choices you can’t live with: We want to make sure when giving a choice, we're happy with either result, not just giving a choice becuase we think it'll help. For example, offering, “Do you want to brush your teeth?” when the alternative is not brushing them at all, and your tamariki saying “no” isn’t really an answer you'll be okay with is setting everyone up for conflict.

Big picture: What’s really happening here?

Behind all these strategies is something bigger than just “getting toddlers to do what we want.” We’re teaching them:

• That their voice matters
• That limits keep them safe
• That independence grows gradually
• That cooperation feels good - because it keeps relationships connected and means we can all be happy.
  

When toddlers feel respected and included, they’re more likely to listen, learn, and thrive.

Some other resources we love

• The Incredible Years Parenting Programme
  This evidence-based programme offers guidance on setting limits and encouraging positive behaviour. Often available free through local services in Aotearoa through funding from the Ministry of Education.